What children think their parents want for them can play a significant role in shaping the children’s chances of future success and well-being. Parental pressure to excel in school and extracurricular activities can increase kids’ risk of stress, as well as have a negative impact on kids’ well-being and success later in life. This is especially true if parents value grades and achievement over things like empathy, compassion, kindness, and social skills. “VeryWellFamily “
We took a poll on intentional_parenting and the results were as below. The evidence weighs heavily against PAYING in favor of rewarding EFFORT.
If a parent were to say, ‘I will give you this if you achieve all As’, the child is likely to do it for that reward. It also means that subsequently, he will think, well, the only reason to learn is to get the reward. If I am not getting the reward that I want, I am not interested in learning.”
The downside to giving kids rewards is that they put the responsibility for learning on the parent – who needs to come up with more rewards for sustained results and also has to continue to monitor success.
Suggest a celebration, like going to a special restaurant for a meal. This is not a reward but just an acknowledgment and celebration of a goal achieved.
Reward your child verbally. Once your child has achieved a goal, say how the effort and studying paid off and how you’re proud he improved his grades.
Morally it can be tricky giving cash to children for good grades. You never know what someone might agree to do in exchange for the promise of another cash payment.
Daniel Coyle, author of the best-selling book, The Talent Code, points out that praising effort not accomplishment is much more likely to lead to successful outcomes. Not just any effort, but persistent, intensive effort that comes with focusing on overcoming errors by pushing oneself to the edge of one’s knowledge and skills.
There is no guarantee that the money would go to useful things. This may potentilla create more work for the parents who need to monitor how the money is spent
The pros and cons of paying students for good grades depends on the effectiveness of the solution. There will be some kids motivated by this approach to learning, but there will also be others who are turned off by the idea of this “bribe.” That is why many schools use positive reinforcement and non-cash-based rewards like books, pencils, or clothing as a way to enhance motivation.
If you need further details on how best you can encourage and support your child to get better grades, this article by Verywellfamily has some great suggestions.
Any thoughts or additions? Would love to hear from you.
Thanks for stopping by.
This was the topic for our webinar this evening. How important is it for our children to speak the native language, cook native food etc?
It became imperative during the session that before we unpick our children’s identity, how do we as mother identify ourselves??. Examples were given of being a wife, mother, daughter, minister of the Gospel etc. How do we live out all these ‘titles’, does it matter what comes first? all these were questions we pondered.
With our children we agreed that nativism enriches their lives. It’s their heritage. We concluded that as far as identity is concerned it is more than food, drink, colour of your skin or even place of birth.
We acknowledged that our children are global citizens such that being a native of a particular nation would limit their experiences and world.
Having said that, as mothers of faith, our identity and that of our children is found in God. We are first and foremost children of God. He created us and knew us of before the foundation of the world. That is who we are.
Living out our faith and identity day to day, helps to define who we are in the eyes of our children. We are reminded that to as many as recieved Him, He has given them the right to become children of God.
Suggestions were made of reminding our children of their identity in God. Saying words such as ‘you are a mighty man of valour, a women of faith, a man of prayer, a princess etc’ helps to define them. As mothers of faith, we are prophets so we speak the promises of God concerning them.
References were drawn from the previous post on Black Panther and importance of speaking into the lives of our children.
As a mom, how do you identify yourself?
What is this about?
The parenting webinar is a community initiative to build each other’s capacity and empower one another on the parenting journey.
This was birthed from the understanding that it takes a village to raise a child. This is a concept that I am very familiar with having been brought up in Zimbabwe. Growing up, I was raised by the community. Fast forward to my own parenting journey, the circumstances have changed. In a bid to find that community, a virtual one was created in February 2017.
I remember as a health visitor deliberating and talking about this with colleagues; the social isolation, the statistics on youth crime, gangs and changing face of society. What also struck me was how ethnic minority families were not accessing children centres for support. On a personal level, as a mom of teens, the need for support and encouragement became compelling.
The more I talked about it to family and friends, the more I realised the need. Ideas started flowing, fear also crept in as well. Fear of the unknown, being judged etc. With encouragement prayer and support from a lot of people here we are today.
As we celebrate this milestone we have covered 30 sessions out of the 52weeks as we initially ran the webinars forty nightly and then took breaks when needed e.g World cup semi- finals. Topics discussed ranged from boundary setting, managing inter-parental conflicts, understanding children’s love language, sleepovers, parenting and social care as well as the role of fathers to name a few. I have also covered some face to face sessions. I believe I have grown tremendously in understanding of self and the world around me. I thought I would share a few things with you.
Lessons learnt :
1️⃣- Start- Just do it! Do it afraid if you have to. Technical hitches do happen, prepare as much as you can and if it happens, do not lose face.
2️⃣- Enjoy- Some days it will be such great fun. Most days it will be hard from finding motivation, people to empower and simply being busy with life. Find joy anyway. Time flies when having fun. Having your vision scribbled somewhere, on a placard, note book or framed helps. It keeps you aligned and focused.
3️⃣- Engage your audience. Depending on the topic, allow people to share, suggest, ask questions. Be open minded about audience and potential client group.
4️⃣-Be on time. Being punctual is critical. Not only does it show that you are professional and serious, it demonstrates respect. Respect for your audience, their time and dedication.
5️⃣- Find people who can critically appraise what you are doing. Having feedback is key on moving forward. Encouragers are great, a critical friend is key and a keeper. Acknowledge them. Appreciate them.
6️⃣- Value- valuing yourself, your effort is also important. Don’t allow anyone to tell you otherwise.
7️⃣Back up- Yes, save, save your work, drafts and save again, especially in blogging and content preparation for the webinars. I can’t recall the number of times, my content just disappeared. That can make or break you. I learnt to get up and write again.
8️⃣Prayer- Remains the foundation and cornerstone in your building. Communicating about your vision, committing yourself and audience to God offers a place of clarity and understanding.
9️⃣Ask- ask for help and offer help when others need it. Having a support network makes all the difference. We receive what we give. By being present and available to others, it offers opportunity for reciprocity.
🔟 Losses and gains. Many people especially immediate family and friends will not get your vision. After all it’s yours. Don’t be discouraged. Familiarity does that and we are all guilty of that. You will lose familiar faces and gain more new ones. Embrace both.
1️⃣1️⃣ Conviction – Stand for what you believe and express yourself. In this journey, I am learning to speak my mind and mean what I say. I term that growth.
1️⃣2️⃣ Celebrate- celebrate both the big and small achievements. It is said ‘ do not despite the days of small beginnings’ and remember Rome was not built in a day.
Here is to the future. For what it will be, we entrust in Him. What we know is that there is grace and hope.
If you are interested in joining our growing community, you are most welcome. Our Zoom webinars are weekly on a Friday at 8pm UK time. Do get in touch ( whatsapp, messenger, facebook, instagram).
“You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable”. Khalil Gibran
What a privilege to be called mom. My transitioning into motherhood was fraught with fear, uncertainty, depression and ignorance. I struggled with attachment and then got separated from my son at 11months whilst I came to UK. It was by choice, by the way. Was I thinking straight? I am not sure. Anyway, that a story on its own for another day.
There is a grace to make it even if you started badly. That grace is available today for you. Reach out to Him to help you. Motherhood challenging as it is, can be fulfilling. I ask the father of all flesh to bless you with His love, grace and favor today as you look to Him for guidance. May He show you His tender mercies and the beauty of His strong everlasting arms. Feel His warm embrace and the lifting of burdens.
Lord we thank you and honour you today and always. ♥️🙏🏽
We were talking motherhood and well being on the webinar this evening.
The ladies acknowledged that life can be busy and hectic but taking time out to recharge is important. We also acknowledged that as diaspora parents, lack of extended family support is a massive challenge.
Some of the comments from the attendees:
” Know that you do not love your family if your do not look after yourself. Who is going to take care of them if you burn out?”
“Don’t give ashes to your family when you have burnt out”
Remember what they tell you on the plane in case of emergency???
“Put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you put it on your child”.
Strategies used by some of the moms in enhancing their well being.
‘-Me time’ at the swimming pool as well as reading and listening to biblical podcasts.
-Exercising together as family, thereby being a role model and looking after our health.
-Praying alone and with other ladies. Being willing to be open and vulnerable with other mothers about our challenges.
– Building and maintaining a social network.
– Learn and be prepared for the seasons of life. For example unplanned pregnancies potentially may cause a strain on role transition into motherhood.
– Learning from other moms from all age groups and of different seasons.
– Looking to God for counsel and wisdom.
– Empower the older children to help with younger siblings with activities around the house.
-Getting hubby or significant other to help with childcare whilst I attend to ‘me’.
– A bath soak with candles, oils and a book is always a good easy treat.
-Platforms such this webinar, to come and learn together, building our own online village.
How do you unwind? What strategies have you seen or heard that are helpful? Would love to hear from you. xxx
Seed of Hope 💕💕
I loved Wakanda. For me, the central message was the power and authority that mama’s have.
“Tell him who you are!” ♥️
These are the words of Ramonda, Queen mother of Wakanda to her son Tchalla, during a battle to defend his throne.
In moments of fear, uncertainty and frustration, as a mother what do you tell your children? Is your voice that of assurance and definition?.
Moments of fear, frustration are ‘perfect’ moments to look your child square in the eye and remind them of who they are! The world may see so many things in our children but no one knows them like mama does. The world can tell our children so many things too. However, we can speak into the greatness that is right inside of them and defend their destiny.
I believe as mothers especially mothers of faith, we are our own children’s prophets. What are you speaking into your children’s lives? My favourite affirmations are: ‘all my children shall be taught of the Lord and great shall be their peace’, ‘You are for signs and wonders’.
Time and again I remind my children of their strengths and address their frustrations and anxieties with a calming voice of prayer, hug, note or even a letter. I like to pray for them in my quiet devotional time. I also enjoy praying with them, lifting them up before the father of all flesh. It’s powerful and they appreciate it.
One other thing am finding helpful with parenting teens season are notes or even letters. I like to express myself on paper, letting my children know that I notice the worries on their faces some days, the pressure and stress of friendships as well as exams. I journal some prayers too.
The greatest armour I am using more these days is intentional hug. Yes, hug. I guess it’s difficult for anyone to say no to a hug. While I am hugging either my 17year son or 13year old daughter, depending on the mood and context, I speak quietly or loudly into their spirit. I believe we all want to reminded of who we are. We all want to be encouraged time again. The power of touch, disarming and healing.
I remind them of their destiny and call of God upon their lives. You are a mighty man of valour, a Gedion of your generation. You are a mighty woman of God, called to your generation. A women of impact and authority, your light will never dim. I like to call forth those destinies in prayer.
What are your thoughts, would love to her from you?
This has come sooner that I had anticipated. Mixed emotions I do say! Part of me would love to have you remain my baby forever and the other gets really excited about the woman you are becoming.
You are a beautiful flower to watch, blossoming in your thinking and understanding of your world and those around you. You challenge us as parents to be more and better. You encourage us to be better citizens and deepen our love in the things that set us on fire.
You are amazing Bubu. I am not only saying so because I am your mom, those who take time to know you, will attest to that.
I pray that you never lose your passion, strength and conviction for the things you love and believe in. That element of your personality, is a gift from God to you and the world, share it as often as you can.
As you continue to tower over us, I want you to know that there is no limit to what you set your mind to accomplish.
Enjoy being a teenager, it’s a unique era. I will try not to be anxious, not sure I have any anxiety left. Laugh more, it will keep your heart lighter and the sparkle in your eyes brighter. Take lots and lots of photos; selfies, food, travels, friends, and all, you will treasure them all.
Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, you will learn from them. Remember you can never drink too much water.
Above all, always know that He has you inscribed in the palms of His hands.
Happy birthday sweetie.
Enjoy the cake.
Love you always and forever
Mom x 🎉🎉🎂💕
A dear cousin sent me this amazing youtube clip and I had to share. Initially, I was going to copy and paste on social media, praying that it blesses someone like it did to me.
There, in that process of doing that ,I begun to reflect in action. The message touched me, as a mom who struggles many a times to get it right with my children.
The teaching of David Wilkerson sounded sincere, as a grandad wanting to impart some wisdom to the younger generation. Indeed, he did just that for me, hopefully for you too. I have sat many a times with colleagues and friends pouring our hearts out about the state of our society and children, the challenges we face and constraints that are seemingly in place to fail our children.
If anything, like any mom, I want them to do well. The responsibility and requirements to parent seem colossal compared to when I was growing up. This clip doesn’t address that, however it explains on what I can do as mom, in this challenging environment. I now have to learn what I didn’t see or experience growing up and that has been and remains my biggest challenge.
David Wilkerson shares is an undiluted truth on the responsibility of parents for our children and what’s happening in our society. We can do something and more with all the challenges we face. His message is, who is watching what’s coming into your home? What are we allowing our children to bring into our homes? We have the authority, responsibility and accountability of what comes in.
I have been there and still do, where I have felt it’s me against the world, my children’s friends, media, different cultures, values, school etc. It is incredibly exhaustingly on all levels, I get it and know it too well. The world and its powers would want us to do just that, give in and give up. Our children are too precious to do that.
Parents in diaspora, we now know how time poor we are and the scarcity of social networks to support us in our journey. For us, first generation migrants, parenting abroad is a new phenomenon with all its complexities. Those we relate to better, the ones we jumped ship with and swapped our identities for a better life, seem new and bewildered with the challenges we face. Where do we go from here?
We work very hard and all hours at trying to make ends meet, ofcourse we have to pay the bills. Maybe, once the bills are paid and we have sent a little for the folks back home, maybe, we can just sit at home and listen to our children. Maybe, we can forgo a huge Christmas celebration and all the designer prezzies and just enjoy each other’s company while we watch the door. Maybe we can pay more attention to who our children are watching and listening to.<br
f our children’s friends no longer come to knock on the door asking for our children to come out and play. How easy it was then, to approve or disapprove! It is no longer so, for those of us with teenagers and older children. Their friends are online, keeping them wide awake at night right in the four corners of our homes.<br
spoken to friends who have managed to nail art of contouring their faces in a bid to enhance what God has given them. Their verdict is, it takes time but practice makes perfect. Getting it right with and for our children, I believe takes time and it’s worth it. When all is said and done, they grow quickly too.<br
se that believe in the power of prayer, Gods says I have a heart for a praying parent. Your prayers are not in vain. We can have righteous anger for the lives and future of our children. Pray with conviction and without ceasing for the matters affecting them.<br
also come to this understanding: may have less control of what happens out there but I have accountability of what comes through the doors of our home and that includes via inthranet.<br
e a responsibility to model the life I expect of my children. have to be at home to guard my house, no one else will. With that, I have to<br<br
y children, be alert and not sleep on the job. ace guards take their responsibilities seriously. They know the value of what they are guarding. This dude here 👇🏾 didn’t move or smile at all despite all our antics. It’s because he was on duty and guarding what has been entrusted to him. So are we as parents.
August 2012 Olde Barn hotel.
Thanks to Facebook for this reminder. What sweet memories!! These two have now grown very fast right before our eyes. We didn't know THEN the memories we were creating and the rituals that have now become so ingrained as family traditions.
I pray for our children. I pray that they will find kindness amongst their generation. I ask the Lord to be their shield and banner, to keep and sustain them. I pray that they will always find help when they need it. May the Lord surround them with sincere friends who will bring out the best in them. I commend them to the mercies of God for their future.
I pray for our children that they find joy and happiness in what they put their minds, hearts and hands to do. May they know the satisfaction that comes from enduring hard work. I pray for the eternal blessing of knowing God and walking in His ordinances over our children. They are my greatest blessing and I am grateful to God.
I pray that they will love and respect each other. I ask the Lord to bind them with cords of love that cannot be broken. I speak into their relationship, that they will be each other's keeper. I ask for grace and strength into their lives, to champion one another in things that are meaningful and of good report.
August 2012..Peterborough Cathedral.
I ask the Lord that their lives be full, filled with hearts of service to His kingdom, His people and themselves. I pray for our children that they will remember their mother and father's sacrifice. I pray that they will find those sacrifices worthwhile. I ask the Lord to give our children forgiving hearts for where we failed. I pray that our children will become better parents than we were. I pray that our children will treasure and honour our relationship with them.
August 2017, Porto
I pray that our children will find love. I ask the Lord that He will give them life partners that know Him first. I pray that our children will find time to laugh in those relationships.
I thank God for our children. I thank Him for hearing and answering our prayers as parents.
I will always pray for our children. Prayer is my gift to our children ❤